it's wednesday night. today i took my resume to a german restaurant, went to the movies, ran some errands, had a drink with a lovely old friend and then sat in the park. now it is 8 o'clock and i'm at home in a sweatshirt and my pillowy german pants. i feel good. today i feel good. right now i feel good. i am taking it one moment at a time, trying not to become anxious or overthink. i will assess the moments as they come. this moment is good. i feel good being home at night. i feel good being quiet.
i am starting to restructure my ideas for the future. or maybe i am embracing the ones i wanted, but they are starting to seem plausible.
the ideal situation will be, i work at a preschool during the day. i wait tables a few nights a week. i get a little place out of this neighborhood. i am considering noe valley. i see people when i want to see them and i am alone when i do not. i read. i go out sometimes. i make dinner. i bake. i have my sweet little room with my big bed. i become an adult. i love myself.
i think it can happen.
i don't miss europe. i loved it. i am glad for every minute of it. but i don't miss it. i am fine. i thought i'd have trouble returning, reacclimating. i thought i'd feel distant or lose my joy. i suppose i didn't think those things would happen; i just worried. now here i am and i am fine. i am still beth. i have gone places and everywhere i was, there i was, and i am okay. i feel quieter. inside. i feel contained, defined, outlined. i have said that before and it is the most apt description. i have boundaries. i can feel them and they are good.
i have been doing things i don't normally do, seeing people i don't normally see, taking care of myself, having fun but also being calm.
this is a new beginning.
san francisco is beautiful. tonight i sat in the park with jacqui and breathed in the world. it is vibrant and dewy and soft. it is colorful buildings and clusters of teenagers smoking cigarettes and voices and the smell of churros and umbrellas of mandarin-colored light from street lamps. it is cars and wet grass and dive bars that open at 6 am and little girls on corners dressed as princesses. it is beautiful and alive and i sat there and felt incredible.
and jacqui told me about her relatively new boyfriend who she is so in love with and she's never been in love and she glowed and i felt hopeful about life and living it. that nothing is perfect and her job is hard and she's underpaid but parts are good and she is in love and she has enough. it is enough.
i feel really good. quiet. cozy. still. i feel whole.
i am not sure that anyone reads this anymore.
i am not sure it matters.
san francisco. i could be anywhere and i'm here and i'm glad.
i just keep going.
my name is beth.
