i am in leipzig.
i decided not to go to poland, for the simple fact that i could not find a guide book in english and the polish words made me dizzy to look at. they seem entirely void of vowels. for my first trip alone, leipzig was a perfect choice. only an hour outside berlin, and still a german-speaking area. i have only spoken in german for two whole days. this makes me feel incredible.
yesterday started out rough. i missed my train, because i am incapable of understanding military time. i made it onto the following train and arrived here, without a map or any idea how to get to my hostel. after stumbling my way around, i arrived and went into my room. to find a couple making out on a bunk bed and a middle aged woman in only an ill-fitting bra and shorts that covered more of her waist than her butt wandering around the room. i attempted to say hello, but neither party seemed interested in conversation. needless to say, i left quickly.
i wandered around leipzig for the afternoon. it is beautiful and small. the town center is only about a 1/3 square mile. apparently it was rebuilt after the war, but still looks precious and antique. just long lines of colorful, ornate buildings, cobblestone streets that halt abruptly. the streets flooded with people, with the occasional car trying to pass through that seems more of an inconvenience than anything else. endless cafes with lounge chairs. parks. fountains. churches.
i had a list of things i wanted to do. churches i wanted to visit. historical sites i wanted to see. lists of addresses and hours and prices.
and then i just didnt feel like it. i walked into a few churches. i went to auerbachs keller, where goethe used to hang out. i saw the old stock exchange and the rathaus. but i did not feel excited about it. so i just sat at a cafe, had some soup and a glass of wine, and read for hours. because that is what i felt like doing. and it was lovely.
i have read three books this week and have just started my fourth. i am pretty sure i have not read four books in the last year. it feels good to think, to be stimulated, engaged. my mind is churning.
i came back to the hostel and read in the "recreation area" a while, because there was no light in my room as the bra-lady had retired early. as i was on my way to bed, one of a gaggle of boys asked me if the book i was reading was good. he appeared to have no real interest in my answer, but just wanted to talk which was fine by me. his name is marcel and he comes from köln. marcel was very excited to hear i had been to köln the weekend before. he is in leipzig to attend a gaming convention, which is apparently the second biggest in the world, rivaled only by one in china. marcel plays fifa and is one of 16 people who made it to the convention. he is enthralled that i am from california, which he vehemently believes is always sunny. he references the television show, smallville, and asks if i am a cheerleader. i am enamored. he asks me if i like the fast and the furious and if, in california, we are allowed to have things like fancy lights and spoilers on our cars because in germany you cannot. he asks if i have a car and i tell him i have a truck and i think he might die he is so in love with this idea. the conversation continues in this ludicrous manner for some 3 hours and i have a wonderful time. marcel comments that i laugh a lot and he likes it and i think this is what makes me so different from german people, other than my not being born in germany and my distinct inability to actually speak german. they are always saying i laugh so much.
marcel asks if i would like to get drinks tomorrow night after his big day at the convention and i say of course. i give him my phone number, which i hand out to german boys like someone on a float might distribute candy at a parade.

i went to sleep and felt glad to have spoken to another human being for the first time in a few days.
sleeping in a hostel is a very strange experience. i woke up in the middle of the night, unsure where i was. i looked around at all the feet poking out from their comforters and felt like i was at camp, like at any moment we might start to sing a song in unison or be asked to put on our coats and go out to the river in the night to complete some team-bonding exercise. i like being at camp, so it was a pleasant feeling. in the morning, there were boys wandering around only in german underwear, which are really just regular underwear, but they seem different on people speaking german. we mumbled good mornings at each other and everyone politely took turns in the restroom and then i ate toast and walked out the door.
today i went to markkleeberg see. i got on a train i did not know and traveled to the end, expecting a sea. there was no sea, so i just walked where i felt like a sea might be, and despite my horrible sense of direction, ended up at the sea. i was elated. the beach was small and crowded with naked babies screaming at the mothers and counting down drei, zwei, eins! as they lept dramatically into the water with orange floaties to protect them from the inch of water they were playing in. it was perfect. i laid in the sun and read and read and read some more. i went swimming and decided i much prefer seas to oceans because there are no terrifying waves. i wrote. i took a nap. i took my top off.
this was one of my goals in germany. to publicly bare my breasts. i am glad to have succeeded.
i stayed for hours, took a walk, bought some ice cream, and took my train back.
i feel incredibly competent every time i take a train and it goes where its supposed to. as if somehow, just to upset me, the train might go somewhere other than its path, which is charted by rails in the ground. regardless, these mini victories are important for me.
back in central leipzig, i roamed around some more, only to be accosted by a group of men. i was walking through the square when a boy came up to me with a water gun and told me to steh! his name was vasili and he was ridiculous. after exchanging about fifteen words, vasili decided i was "cool" and he picked me up and put me over his shoulder and carried me around for what may have actually been eternity. i too gave him my phone number as he wanted me to come party with him and his friends tonight. he called, and while i considered it, i found him slightly terrifying. maybe had i been in berlin with some idea of where i was or some sense of security, i would have gone. but not here.
i have this feeling that i should do everything. that i should be at every monument and historical site. that i should go to get drinks with boys named vasili and marcel. that i should constantly be moving. and while there is some truth to that and i do want to push my boundaries, i also have to keep reminding myself that being here alone is a big step on its own and i can do or not do whatever i want. i think maybe that idea terrifies me the most. no parameters, no rules, no one waiting for me or looking out for me. vasili said i was an adventurous girl to be here alone and in that moment, i felt proud of myself.
i do not feel good all the time. i dont expect that i ever will. life is not all good. but, despite how lonely i may feel, i know i am profoundly loved and supported. right now i feel calm. i feel okay about me. i do not feel wonderful, but i feel competent, and while i have often felt wonderful in the past years, it is rare that i feel competent or capable or sure of myself.
i can take care of myself.
it is slow in coming. it is crawling, in fact. but i feel okay about that.
today i feel okay about it and i am taking this one little day at a time.
it has been four weeks of one day at a time and i feel okay.
marcel is calling.