i think of our blue plastic pool, with its slide which was probably only as long as my arm is now. our pool, which seemed to exist forever, which became our bathtub with some warm water and a bar of soap when there were too many little ones at the house, which was a respite from what seemed like unbearable summer heat, which rested against the bushes when we became too big to use it and somehow always hid the treasure at the end of a scavenger hunt. i think of the summers that have passed. of sprinklers and zoo camp and lauren and the beach and sleep-away camp and maine and eventually of jobs and summer school. summers that somehow dissipated once they blended in with the rest of the days and months and seasons, because it was simply another day at a restaurant or bar.
this is my summer in berlin. this will forever be my summer in europe. i stand outside the moment and look at it romantically. put myself ahead a few years and look back at how free and terrifying and beautiful this time was. maybe in this unknown future year i will have a real job or a boyfriend or a plan. maybe i will be blonde again. maybe i won't wear bows in my hair. maybe i'll have kept writing. maybe i will have traveled more.
maybe i will be happy. maybe i will finally trust myself.
i am shaken out of this moment by the popsicle dripping on my little red shorts. i will always be messy. my skin is sticky from the heat and now so are my clothes from the artificial lime i am consuming. some things will never change.
this week has been good. really good. i'm pushing myself.
somehow i skipped three levels of german. i was placed in a much higher class than before. i can mostly understand what's going on, so i've decided it's better for me. to have to try and maybe not be the best. it is okay to not be the best. i say this. i am trying to believe it.
i met some very nice girls and we are having a magnificent time. yesterday the school led a tour of friedrichshain, which was essentially a very short walk where people of like nationalities or languages gathered and occupied the entire sidewalk. it was a nice chance to talk though, and i managed to find a group of people who are very enthusiastic about speaking only german. when i stop being self-conscious, my german is actually quite good. the "walk" ended at cassiopeia, which is a beer garden/ rock climbing facility/ open air theater/ club/ skate park/ reappropriated train station. we sat in the sun and had drinks and shared ourselves. it was nice.
a few of the girls and i decided also to go the freiluftkino last night, which is maybe one of my favorite things i've done in berlin yet. at a bar by the river, filled with trees strung in colored lights and disco balls and swings, there is also the open air theater. we sat next to the old-fashioned projector, which rattled and whirred with each dramatic turn of its wheels, and watched a movie in the warm berlin night. we drank beer and ate gummy bears. we laughed and whispered at each other in german. we walked along the river and shared stories about our homes. how different it is to be from sweden or france. from london or san francisco. how it is also the same.
rebecca is from london and reminds of the girl from my girl, whose name i can't remember and which i won't bother to find out because as far as i know now her name is rebecca. she is 19 and smaller than me and has wide, wide, imploring eyes. sometimes i feel like i should carry her. i think, too, about the summers of watching my girl. how once i cried so hard at the end, i locked myself in the room and wouldn't let anyone come in. i was maybe 10.
i feel good just being around people. talking at all. i feel good when i finish my homework later and braid my hair in the morning. i feel good when i make my bed and organize my papers for class. i feel good when i go to the post office and when i read. i am celebrating small things. i am getting back to the basics. i am stripping myself. i am finding what's underneath.
class was good today. we worked on the ever-enthralling relative sentences, talked about synesthesia, wrote poems. this afternoon, camille and rebecca and i went to the former headquarters of the east-german secret police, which is now a museum. tonight i will sit at a desk and do my homework and paint my nails pink. i will take out my recycling and start a new book. i will write in my journal. maybe i will drink a beer.
this is my plan.
this is my summer in berlin.
this is who i am and who i am becoming. this is who i was.
my name is beth.
