i looked outside and it was dark. i didn't see it become dark.

i feel slow and dreamy. i feel like i don't exist. my eyes are teary. i am not sad. they are just crying. they are doing what they need to do.

today was another day. it was a day i was alone. it was a day i wandered. a day i sat in the sun. a day i spoke in german.  a day people asked me about my tattoo. a day i combed my bangs to the right and wore pink underwear and read a book and drank coffee. it was sunday. it was a day like every other day. it was a day completely its own. it was a day i was alive.

i feel like i am inside out and i am wearing time around me like a coat. it is hot and suffocating. it is comforting. it is too near. it is too far away. it is inside me, which is now outside. it is everywhere. it is ticking against me. i don't feel real.

i am afraid to say when i feel sad. i feel like if i admit a moment of unhappiness that my whole self will unravel. that every step, every moment of going in berlin, will come undone. like i am playing jenga, pulling rectangular blocks from beneath and stacking them precariously high. maybe they are too high. maybe if i move the wrong way, everything will come crashing down. i know this is not true, but i am afraid to test it. like eating pop rocks and drinking soda at the same time. or swallowing watermelon seeds. or sneezing with your eyes open. i am sure that completing these actions will not elicit the horrible results they are rumored to have. but i am not sure enough to try.

i am not sad.

i really am not sad.

today i just feel a little lost. a little unsure.

i am in a cafe and it's 80 degrees at 10 pm. they are playing alanis morrissett. the man next to me is talking on the phone in german. i can understand him. i feel lonely. rebecca is gone and a german boy named jonas keeps calling me and somehow that makes me feel more lonely. i am leaving berlin in a week.  thomas will be here in four and a half days. i am wearing the thinnest cotton dress and my thighs are sticking to the plastic seat. i am tired. these are the facts.

this day has been endless. it has been fleeting.

rebecca and i decided not to say goodbye. we said, see you soon. and then i hugged her and she said, that feels quite like a goodbye squeeze, in her very english english accent. rebecca always says quite like. i told her it was not a goodbye squeeze, i just love hard. i think i was holding onto her.

i am always holding on.

let go.