i just realized itunes tells you how many times you have listened to a song. it also tells you the date and time you last listened to each song. apparently the song i have listened to most in the life of my computer is a song by bright eyes. first day of my life. i have listened to it 97 times. i listened to it last on august 9th at 11:24 am.

yours is the first face that i saw, i think i was blind before i met you. now i don't know where i am, i don't know where i've been, but i know where i want to go. so i thought i'd let you know, that these things take forever. i especially am slow. but i realized that i need you and i wondered if i could come home...

i am wondering what i was doing then.

i think about how life would be if all things could be recalled in such a specific matter, if i could count the number of muffins i've made, of letters i've sent, of lunches i've eaten out, of hugs i've had. if i could count the number of words i've written, of naps i've taken, of people i've loved, of moments i was sure were the best or worst of my life, of times i've smiled. if there was a bookkeeping, what would it look like and what would it amount to. which numbers would i be most concerned with, which ones would i want to change. 

i think about the songs i've only listened to once and why it was only once. i think about the songs i've never listened to and why they're here at all.

i think about saying goodbye. i think how, if you could see all of life this way, it might make me really sad. to count the number i've times i've met with someone, to recall the exact date and time of our last meeting. to wonder why that was the last time. to wonder what i might have said differently if i knew that was the last time. and yet i know value is not measured in numbers or durations or recentness. 

i feel confused by love.

i think i believe that if i love myself, i cannot love other people. that they are mutually exclusive. that allowing myself to be happy is somehow letting go of other people. i am confusing neediness with love. i feel distant from love. i feel close to myself. i feel far away from myself. i feel near love. i don't know what i feel. 

i am certain that i feel growing pains. that ache i remember feeling in my legs when i was young. it felt like my bones were hollow, like they were sucking the marrow out of their own cores, trying to build something bigger. to make me taller. obviously those pains were somewhat in vain since i never grew very much, but i remember that feeling of changing. it was only at night, when i was still. and it hurt.

now i am in berlin and when i'm still, i feel that ache. it is not in my bones. this time it is everywhere. it is sitting on my skin. i feel aware and awkward and pained and lovely. i am realizing i can take care of myself and that almost scares me more than being dependent on other people. it scares me because it's new. i know that if i just embrace it, i will feel amazing. strong. i also feel afraid of that strength. like maybe it is safer just to constantly need other people. to admit i need them.

it's not about whether or not i can be independent. i can.

it's about whether or not i want to.

i do.

i want to be independent.

the last few days have been very calm. still. i have laid in the sun. i have read a lot. i have watched movies and written and studied german and folded and refolded clothes. i have been alone. i have been not alone. i have cried. i have been happy. my legs are growing. i keep thinking about saying goodbye. i am not sure what i'm so terrified to say goodbye to. my friends, home, familiarity, dependency, my routines. the truth is i left many of these things already. over six weeks ago. i left them physically. i am still holding on a little. i am also embracing my solitude.

for a moment, i felt high on my independence, my freedom. i have mellowed and now i just feel reflective. i feel everything. no matter how many times i start writing lately, nothing makes sense. it is all contradictory. i do not feel bad. just full. full of life, of questions, of wanting, of having. i feel curious about myself and willing to look. i feel like i would really like to lie down and have someone i love hold me. i feel quiet. i feel new. i feel different.

now i don't know where i am, i don't know where i've been, but i know where i want to go. so i thought i'd let you know, that these things take forever. i especially am slow.

98 times.