ich fühle mich unglaublich gut.
i feel lively and enthralled and happy.
i am having a love affair with music. i forgot how it felt. i forgot how it felt to be nowhere, with no one. and to have music be enough. when erin moved out and concurrently diogo broke my heart for the first time, i found billie holiday. i had known her before, but suddenly she was my companion, naming my pain, letting it trickle out, slow and sultry, her voice engulfing the ache. like it was easy. and also the most agonizing thing her mouth had ever let escape. i listened to her for months. we walked together. she was my friend. she kept me strong, when i didn't feel strong. i forgot, until now. i forgot how we had met.
and oddly, today i listened to her. her round, rich voice that aches like the full moon- almost too full to hold itself. i listened to her on the way to a jazz concert with some friends. friends, classmates, acquaintances, people- whoever they are. billie and i walked together and today i wore little kitten heels and my twirliest, twistiest dress and i felt billie holiday in my hips as i walked. i felt her everywhere as i hip-hip-throbbed down the street, going to meet my friends. i felt alive and i felt aware and i felt for maybe the first time, fuck yeah i am in berlin.
it always feels like the first time.
and that is what i like. that every time i become aware of berlin, it feels new and fresh and electric. it feels like someone else touching your skin for the first time.
so we went to the club and there was wine and a grand piano made of silk and a humming, sweaty crowd and colored lights and my eyelashes, which were suddenly made of fireflies that shivered and shined with each deliberate blink. and it was beautiful and there was music. the clear speech of the piano and the sandy tremor of the drums and the wordless hum of the bass, that only made me think of peanuts and the indecipherable speech of charlie brown's teacher, which surely meant something but could not be understood.
i didn't understand anything, but i felt it in my skin and i swayed and i felt good. i felt not alone. i felt like i was walking with billie holiday and someone was finally articulating what my heart only often hums. i felt like, we do need love, but we can find it in unexpected places. that warmth and comfort can be found in things other than people.
the room was buzzing and it started to unravel and it was beautiful. they allowed random musicians to come up and play and it was often dissonant and disorganized, but somehow still a whole concept, like splayed threads, waiting to be woven into yarn. it was imperfect and awkward and i loved every moment. i stood there for hours, following the sounds, my body moving involuntarily.
i didn't want to miss my last train, so i turned on billie holiday, and we walked again. in the overly sweet, thick moonlight of this berlin night. where even a cardigan is too heavy and it threatens to rain any minute. the air is so dense, it rains even when it doesn't.
and i feel lovely and perfect and delirious. because it's late and i just reconnected with an old friend. we walked together and it was good. we walked together and i remembered what it was like to be alone, and be okay. we walked together, and i felt like i was unsure of everything, but my solitude and my hips, and that that is enough. we walked together, and i felt strong.
i've got my love to keep me warm.
