i think i have cried everywhere i've gone in berlin. either because i am happy or sad or just simply overwhelmed. i am littering berlin with my tears. i am leaving my mark.
this morning i went to the flea market and was happy. i like flea markets. i like old things. i like the smells and the colors and the chaos of stacks of old teacups and shoes. i like searching. i like sifting. i did not buy anything but i breathed it in. it was good. i ate a real breakfast instead of some various form of bread from a counter. i sat and drank coffee and read. i listened to babies screaming and their mothers calming them and loved how the same shh shhh shhhh is in every language. how being lulled seems to feel the same everywhere. i felt nice and then read a sad sentence in my book and started to cry.
i wanted to go to the zoo but it started raining again and i am tired of rain and cold, sweaty skin. i considered going to the pergamon, but i am emotionally exhausted so i took a small walk and came home instead. tonight i will meet up with a friend i haven't seen since high school who is in berlin for the week and i will be fine again. i might get a little drunk and walk home listening to peppy songs and dance on the street. i might feel really happy and hopeful for a minute.
i have said it a thousand times, but every day i realize more and more that i am just me. i am beth and beth is tumultuous and volatile and extreme. i may be in another country but my self is the same. i still spilled mustard on my white shirt at breakfast and i still cry too easily and i still obsess and i still feel fine one moment and dire the next.
and i think my lows may be worse here because i feel obligated to have an amazing time. because everyone keeps telling me how incredible it will be and how much i'll grow and how i'll never want to come back and right now i just feel like the same stupid, emotional girl, except i'm in berlin. and it feels even worse sometimes because there is no one here that loves me. no one to call to say, hold me for a minute. maybe that is the most important part. that there is no security for once so i have to find it in myself. but i have to say, i really fucking hate it.
i feel dumb and i feel like i'll get home and be disappointed i didn't embrace it more or like i didn't do enough. i don't know.
i'm excited for thomas to come. he is coming in a month and we will go to prague and amsterdam and paris. thomas is perfect because we love each other but i have never relied on him. he is not that person for me. but he is fun and we can have adventures. he has also seen me at my worst. he was there when diogo died and when i've been crying in hallways and when erin moved out and when i gained 20 pounds and when my hair was blonde and when most everything in my adult life. and then kate striano will come and we will be in sicily and then to some island whose name i can't pronounce and we will drink too much wine and hug each other for hours and be happy. i am thrilled for these things. i am not thrilled for the 3 weeks after my class ends, in which i have no plans and am too paralyzed by fear to make them. and maybe i am learning nothing because all i want is to be near people i know and trust. i just want a moment of comfort.
i feel stupid. i feel so stupid and i keep working myself into tears or just meeting them unexpectedly and it all just feels worse because the people i do love seem to want so much from me. i know it's for me. i know they just want happiness and growth for me. but constantly hearing that makes me feel like what i was was not good enough.
this is stupid. i am going to take a nap and read something not sad and get over myself.
shh shhh shhhh
