when we were mugged in december, i lost a lot of things. my i-pod. my phone. my wallet. my keys. but everything was replaceable. except perhaps my maui keychain. my maui keychain and i have been together since i was very tiny. it has been on my keys since before i ever really had keys. out of all the seemingly valuable things i lost, i was most upset about losing it. (and perhaps my stamps, which are very replaceable, but which still somehow caused me great grief.)
a few weeks after whining about it ceaselessly, kelly gave me a new keychain. a little plastic green man, who was poised to walk. i asked who he was or what he meant and kelly said i would figure it out.
i did not figure it out.
maybe five months passed and the little plastic green man hung from my keys, being a nice green gift, but not at all my maui keychain and seemingly meaningless other than that he came from someone i love.
now i am in germany.
and, though i did not recognize him at first, the little green man is everywhere. telling me to walk.
he is at every street corner. standing below every street light.
suddenly it was obvious who he was.
and today i realized that i am walking.
i told myself, go. and though the process has been scary and i've been hesitant, i'm going.
i am in germany and maui is not gone and neither are my memories. of things that have passed. things i have loved. things that have been taken. things i have been given. my maui keychain is somewhere in the world, with a whale and a rainbow and the name peka, which is beth in hawaiian. i really loved that keychain and i was actually always a little afraid of losing it, and then i did, and now it is now and everything is okay. nothing is lost in the enormity of the world. it is merely somewhere else. or often, just stored inside me.
so yes, now i am in germany and i've said that too many times already but i feel like repeating it is an assertion of my existence.
i am somewhere else and nothing is lost.
i have just gained something new. a new moment. a new opportunity to walk. to move forward. to change. to cross streets. to go places. to see new things. to fall in love with new moments and people and places. i am realizing that experiencing new things does not mean having to let go of the old, but maybe just holding them near, while making room for others. for little green men. for change.
i feel really hopeful today and for once i am not going to soil that by worrying about the next moment, in which i might not feel okay again. i am thinking about now. about moving forward, witnessing the act of walking, of movement- or experiencing it, rather- instead of fretting about yesterday or tomorrow or sunday.
i already got lost once today. so i asked for directions. and found my way.
i am finding my way.
i am figuring it out.
i am walking.
i am moving.
i am making progress.
green light: go.

(thank you kelly, for knowing things before i do, for telling me to go)