that is a lie. i do not feel much like playing.
my usual joviality is scattered somewhere with the darkness, but i am working on relishing little things. errands, which were previously cumbersome, have become my new favorite activity. i bought a handy. handy being german for cellphone. it is cheap and tiny and ridiculous and looks like a white tic-tac. i could probably swallow it without noticing. the girl in the store was rude to me and i smiled at her. i also went to the grocery store where i bought bread, cheese, yogurt and fruit. i had a sandwich and a nectarine for dinner, which was my first semi- legitimate meal since my arrival. i registered with the police. i am going to sign up for a tandem partner, with whom i will practice german and they, english. i wrote a small essay in the library for meine hausaufgaben. for now i am just filling the time and it is fine.
yesterday broke my heart. i cannot remember the last time i went an entire day without hugging someone. at fly, i would hug some inordinate number of people a day. kate, leaping into my arms. dana, kissing my face and holding me. russ, being my puzzle-piece. random customers, wanting to touch me. what was once a very regular part of my days now seems so precious. i came home shaking and fragile. once other people stopped touching my skin, i became acutely aware of its presence. i have this body and it is living and singular and strange. i feel like i'm noticing myself for the first time in a long time and it hurts. like a stubbed toe that painfully alerts you to the existence of your foot, my entire body aches. i stubbed beth. i am suddenly attuned to my own presence.
my tongue feels especially sore. it is twisted in the language, tired from struggling to say even the most basic things. i am so used to emoting, to talking, to sharing myself, that the sheer difficulty of asking for something hurts my mouth. it is also the best way to learn. necessity. i have learned to say mit nehmen when i want something to go. the literal translation is zu gehen but it is idiomatisch and i have relished this discovery. every minute is a discovery. i am exhausted and full of information.
today i came home, less broken than yesterday, and saw katja for the first time since tuesday morning. we chatted in german in my room. then i started sobbing. i have spent maybe a total of two hours with this person, but as she sat perched at the end of my bed with her lilting voice and her spidery, blinking eyelashes, i came undone. all the english words i've stuffed down my throat and all the anxiousness i've swallowed as well came pouring out my eyes.
and then she hugged me.
and hugged me and hugged me.
and i apologized and in english she said it's okay and i apologized and she said it will be okay. and i finally felt okay.
that hug, so distant from all the hugs i've ever gotten, was maybe the best. because i noticed it. i felt my skin and she was holding it and i felt, for the first time, that i was not alone in germany.
so here i am, finally not alone. i know i am never truly alone. i am just so used to having it padded around me, cushioning my experiences. tonight i will do some more homework, read a book, and take a shower. i will fold my clothes into my three tiny drawers and maybe write some emails. i have descended from a life of constant entertainment, of exorbitant amounts of things, of layers of friends and endless distractions and i am sitting on a tiny single bed, relishing the little things, and feeling my skin. and it will be okay.
it will be okay.
