today was not a good day. had i written this morning as i intended, this entry would have consisted of hopeful and excited phrases, assertions of self-worth and independence, claims of a desire to both explore and be explored. i still actually cherish those unnamed phrases, assertions, and claims, but right now i am tired and they seem less bright. instead i spent the last four hours partnered in class with a cranky turkish man, who would offer none of his own suggestions during our exercises, but promptly refused my own. he then had the audacity to ask me, during our break, warum ich machte nicht die aufgabe, which made me want to scream. i did not scream. i swallowed my screams along with the english words i keep wanting to use and walked away.

by the time class was over, i did not have the energy to attempt my tiny list of to-do's. for dinner i ate one of the free, overly salty soft pretzels in the student center and walked home in the rain. it is 8:30 pm and i am ready for bed.

it strikes me that, were i still in san francisco, living my same tiny life, a day like today would just be a bad day. it would be only one of the many hundreds of days i've spent in san francisco and proportionally not mean much. conversely, i have been in berlin approximately forty-nine and a half hours and a large portion of them have been difficult, which leads me to the immediate and completely rational conclusion that it was a terrible decision to come here. my opinion changes with each moment and its decided wonder or horror and i am beginning to feel seasick from the incredible amount of tumult. 

yesterday was actually quite filled with good things. our first class was lovely and moved quickly and i spoke with quite a few other students. i then went to visit kelly's friend, christian, at his cafe in kreuzberg. i took the three trains i'd mapped out on on meine karte, which made me feel incredibly functional, walked a few blocks, and was immediately greeted at the door with an "oh hello!" and an embrace from this person i'd never met, but who immediately recognized me from pictures. we drank beers on the sidewalk and talked for hours. another friend came and said perhaps i laugh too much to seem german, but i figure if laughing infrequently means being german, i will settle for being an american girl who speaks the language. i left feeling happy and a little bit drunk from mein grosses bier. i worried about getting home, as i've been cultured to not walk a block alone in the dark in san francisco, and it felt strange to think that no one was waiting to make sure i arrived there safely. they assured me, however, that no one would attack me, and in the event that they did, it was merely to hurt me and not to take my things. i found this oddly comforting.

so now it is today and i have resumed my fear and discomfort and i suppose that this is just life. much like the boy you loved so much, who then breaks your heart, suddenly becomes an asshole, it is all merely perception. i am trying to better my eyes. i am just working out the focus, trying to sharpen it into something clear, smart, and slightly more forgiving of the things that seem imperfect. namely, myself. it sure seems like a long process. in the meantime, i guess i have glasses.